in this year

thank

give

cherish

run

jot

save

soften

lift

...with, i hope, a little bit of grace

mustering

My little ones are naturally enthralled and energized by snow and seem impervious to the chill. This photo was snapped at the onset of our first snowfall 2 weeks ago. He perched on the windowsill for nearly an hour, watching each flake build upon the next, anxiously awaiting some play time. And Santa.

I wish for a smidgen of such excitement.  I'm just never quite prepared, mentally, for the first snowfall of the season here. I know it's Idaho, I know winter is inevitable, yet still the first storm of the season takes me by surprise and puts me in a funk. Here we are with our second wave of snow piled and drifting and I'm no more welcoming of it than before.  I tell myself  it's just a fleeting storm and that the skies will brighten again soon before winter really truly sets in. But I also tell myself to muster every bit of fortitude I can find because it might just be here to stay.  And those thick grey skies above and icy earth at my feet will serve as my prison cell for the next 6 months and oh just say it ain't so. it's too cold, too much, too soon, for far too long.

 

If it weren't for Christmas to look forward to and for the delight on my little ones' rosy faces, it really would seem the depths of despair. Brrrrrrr.  I even put on the Christmas music last week in an attempt to bring some kind of cheeriness to my outlook. Muster some positivity I must. Somehow. In the meantime, another round of hot cocoa please.

damage

coulda been worse. 

accomplished

We like goals around here, which I think is a good thing. Sure, one of us is a bit more into personal goals than the other, but as a whole we like a challenge, an object of focus and effort and discipline. Even Piglet is learning to achieve little personal milestones. And recently, Mr. J realized a big  life goal, one that he's been working toward since we met. A goal he shared with me on our first date. The fact that he had any goals in life at all, let alone ambitions and a plan of attack, set him leaps and bounds beyond other boys I dated. So I kept him.

In the 10 years since, we've traded places back and forth. For a while, his goals needed my support while my own took a back seat. Later, my goals were the focus. And later still, back to his. It's not been easy, but it's what you do when you are married. Sometimes we just have to pick up the slack for each other. I'm not very good at it, but I try. The past four years have required more patience than I normally can muster. More sacrifices than most girls like. More loneliness than some would choose. Very few breaks from the grind of reality. I knew (hoped?) all these little trials would be temporary, but sometimes it was really difficult to stay positive. Blindly moving forward in support of Mr. J and his goal without knowing when it would really come to fruition. Stumbling through repeated frustrations sustained only by hope and hard work. Putting all our little ducks in a row, putting other dreams on hold, Mr. J doing all he could, garnering the precursory honors, then realizing the remainder must be left to the powers that be.

And now the prize is his. Mr. J made the plan, he did the work. He did it well. He paid his dues over and over again. He never lost sight of the distant goal, never quit on his objective though often it seemed forever just barely out of reach. It's in his hands now. (No, it's not glamorous). And he is happy (sacrifices well worth it). And I am proud. And it feels so very grown up, yet slightly goofy, and even anticlimactic. But good.

Now maybe I'll train for that marathon.

Or half marathon.

Or how about a 5k?

empty buckets

I've been feeling rather snarky lately. Snarky.  Frustrated. Burnt-out. Hurt. Humiliated. Inferior. And just plain ticked off. Ugh. A week of adding insult to injury over and over finally got to me. A real case of the mean reds and I reacted poorly without grace or patience or class. Dreadful. I don't like this feeling at all, but it seems to be stuck and I just can't shake it. It certainly doesn't bring out the best in me and in fact often works up embarrassing behavior. I've said things I wish I hadn't. Raised my voice when I needn't. Thought things I oughtn't. Reacted harshly.  Oh! I am so very wretched. My little boys witnessed a sort of episode of frustration and I can't erase it. My Piglet learned a word that is hardly naughty but sounds a bit shameful coming from the cherubic mouth of a three-year-old. And it's probaly my fault. Ugh. That same Piglet, dramatic and loud (or louder) always, was telling me to calm down. Oh, I am rotten. And what makes it worse: my frustration has been unleashed in parcels. None of the recipients could know of any other catalysts, each building on the other. So, they likely think I'm just uptight. Permanently snarky. That I'm just that way all the time. Ugh. 

Will my children get over it and forget? Will strangers and friends alike just brush it aside? Have I done permanent damage? Can I beg and pray for sufficient forgiveness.  Can I find a way to fill my empty bucket and get my mojo back? Goodness knows it's up to me. My bucket. My job to fill it. And avoid letting it get empty again. I shudder to think.

First things first: a quasi date night on the sofa with John Wayne, Ben & Jerry, and Mr. J. Maybe that will help.  Or maybe I should try Holly Golightly's advice. 

a finished project

i finished it. a sewing project that completely overwhelmed my non-sewing self at first. but I managed. it's not perfect, obviously, but I do think it turned out cute despite it's flaws (adding character?). Off it goes in the mail for a special new bundle of sugar and spice.

and not one nervous breakdown from start to finish. honest. I don't come by any craftiness naturally. this is a monumental occasion.

hiatus

I'm on a spending hiatus. Not because I'm a compulsive spender, but because the winter blahs make retail-therapy all too easy to justify. And because there are lots of expensive projects on my to-do list. And because I just don't want more stuff. Months of hibernation, surrounded by all of my current stuff, has me feeling a little suffocated. Less stuff must equal more air, more peace. More zen. Or something.

A vacation is so much more appealing to me than more stuff. A fence is more necessary to me than more stuff. A pretty bedroom is more important to me than eating out or that thing from Old Navy that I just had to buy because it was so cheap and I would never have bought it except that it was on clearance and I'll probably hate it in 3 weeks because it will prove to be so cheap.  So, spending hiatus it is.

          

Instead of buying special Valentine packaging and ribbons and sprinkles and special treats and what not, I made do with the odds and ends on my craft shelf and in my pantry. Instead of throwing a big shindig for Nanuk's 1st birthday, we are keeping things small, sweet and simple. Instead of buying the beautiful lamps that would look really great in my light-and-style deprived living room, I'm tolerating the el-cheapo random light fixtures I currently have even though I think my living room looks like it belongs to college students. Maybe the lamps will get marked-down before they are sold out? Instead of fun high-maintenance treatments at the salon, I'll go the close-to-natural route (what grey hairs?). Instead of eating out once per week (even on the cheap), it's once or twice a month. Still on the cheap. Sticking to essential purchases only. Little things, all of these minor sacrifices for the greater good, but together perhaps they will equal the greater good. And a handsome fence to keep my wee babes corralled.

2010, I will

seek more patience still

rise earlier 

prepare a little more

run

write

make my bedroom pretty

listen

go to target less 

not so bad

even if some were trivial and some didn't quite happen, 2009 wasn't so bad as far as my goals were concerned:

seek patience (and stash it for times when I've run out)  I sought often, but didn't always find. 

bake bread  mmmm. yes.

have fresh flowers in my home  yep.

give birth   for sure.

run   not in a race as I'd hoped, but after little boys. Literally, often. 
Through parking lots, Target,  the neighborhood, down the stairs...

attend a yoga class  

mail correspondence in a timely fashion  ok, only some of the time

make my bedroom pretty  the budget for this just never happened.

host a party  4 of them, in fact

have a new family portrait taken  

recycle more  complete with bins for paper and plastic

sew there was a sewing machine. and lots of help.

love  

listen  


and this was for sure the very best thing to come out of 2009:

the staff of life

today I made bread. I really did.

it was good. really good.

I will do it again. I really will.

and I can cross it off my list

Flying Solo

Today is the day. The reality of life with 2 little ones is going to sink in today. No more grandmas, nor more days off for Daddy. It's all on Mommy.  I have two children. Two. Twice as many as I had before. One that won't stop moving, another that won't stop eating.  I'm suddenly aware, (terrified) that I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Or how I'm going to do it. Better fasten my seatbelt. 

***update: We all survived. Little ones napped.  I even managed a shower and makeup. I cheated a little and got take-out for dinner. We might just be OK. It would be really great, though, to have elastic limbs like Mrs. Incredible. 

roped in

I don't normally have difficulty saying "no" to extra activities or projects if I feel they will spread me too thin. I prefer a little balance and peace and order, and to do things 100%. That said, why did I agree to teach Enrichment? At my home? Tonight? A lesson on "goals."  With dessert to follow. Better question still: why did they ask me in the first place?  Anyway, too late now. I said "yes" and the gig is on. 7:00pm. 

Any inspiring tidbits you'd like to share with me that I can share with my guests? Goal setting/Goal achieving Do's and Don'ts? You might become famous. At least in my living room. I'm off to dust and vacuum. You know, to give the illusion that I'm a domestic goddess and fully qualified to teach Enrichment. 

update: I think I didn't bomb. I wasn't as sparkling a presenter as I imagined, and my message wasn't as spectacular as I envisioned. it could have been worse I suppose. at the very least my house was clean and I have a few leftover coconut treats for myself and the "nanuck of the womb." 

I will...

In this year, I will...

seek patience (and stash it for times when I've run out) bake bread have fresh flowers in my home give birth run attend a yoga class mail correspondence in a timely fashion make my bedroom pretty host a party have a new family portrait taken recycle more sew

love listen

But first, on this day, I will:

toss, purge, tidy, scrub, shine, play, snuggle, fold, arrange, cherish, exhale, and welcome what is to come

Done.

speaking of gratitude

I'm glad it's Friday. It's been a week of trials for this mommy, and her floors. So far this week has seen a canister of oats, a canister of pasta, a tube of desitin (on carpet!), a bowl of Cheerios and assorted contents of my spice drawer. All. Over. My floors. Did you know that diaper cream is stubborn? 

Oh the drama of our (what a relief) textbook case of the terrible twos. Something I once considered an exaggeration. Really, it's like all the "experts" have been secretly videotaping our child and documenting his behavior because M fits every description of this stage. Every one, precisely. Defiance. Sweetness. Aggressiveness. Snuggling. Curiosity. Fear. Joy. Trauma. Screaming. Whining. Sobbing. Giggling. Conversing. Singing. It's a roller coaster of a learning curve for parent and child, amplified by visits to the doctor's office with mommy or spending 2 1/2 hours at Sam's Club waiting for the tire shop to repair 1 tire. (Fun for both of us). His efforts at being good are very apparent, and I love to praise him generously for those efforts--especially in trying circumstances: "I'm a good boy, Mommy!" he proudly exclaims. He really can be so charming and irresistible. 

With the flip of a switch, though. he turns into an absolute terror.  It's like he's a wild animal that can sense my weakened condition and uses it to his advantage. Yesterday, I was on the verge of tears by 2pm as nothing could pacify, entertain, please or comfort my little guy.  So I express gratitude for mellow weekends and happy mornings like today, which was 80% better than yesterday.  And I will weather this little storm of willfulness (that's a good thing, right?) I will marvel at the elasticity of my patience and the overwhelming delights (honestly) of toddler-rearing. 

Behold the monolith. Er, treadmill

cue theme music:   

duuuuuuh   duuuuuuuuuh    DUH  DUH!  boom boom boom boom BOOOOOOM!  

(From 2001: A Space Odyssey, you know, in case you couldn't tell. Haven't seen it?  It's really quite awful, even by Sci-Fi standards. But the fanfare is rather impressive.)

Mommy's new "machine."  Good mornings on the horizon with me, Matt Lauer, a sports bra and the treadmill. No miss preggie-jiggle-pants here. That's the plan, anyway. 

The Basement Chronicles

Framing check

Plumbing check

Electrical check

Sheet rock check

Trim check

Primer check

*nothing like a fluffy white ninja armed with a paint sprayer to make a woman swoon.

Trim painted check

Which brings us to the final stages of the taking-way-too-long basement completion.

Tues: paint ceiling

Weds: paint walls

Weekend: tile & vanity

Next Tues: carpet

Next Weds: pull-it-all-together marathon

I can't believe there is an end in sight. An end scheduled in ink on my calendar. It's real. Practically giddy with anticipation. Next Wednesday will be a very very good day indeed.

Motivation

I love making resolutions. I love even more when I succeed at them. Here are some helpful sites for various New Year's Resolutions and goals you may have made.

If your goal is finance-related:

• Provident Living  many helpful links here
• Jean Chatzky

If your goal is fitness or weight loss:

• Joy Bauer, Nutritionist
• WebMD
• Best Life
• Best Body Ever

If your goal is getting organized:

• Container Store
• Real Simple  so many great ideas here
• Better Homes & Gardens  25 ideas just for closets, and then some! 

I've always found great advice and solutions with these resources. Good luck. 

My goals for 2008:

• Be more patient
• Run, Run, Run and Yoga Yoga Yoga
• Learn how to make a souffle...or maybe a pie...
• Read the Book of Mormon

Tips on sticking to it:

Oprah  (her editors & producers know a lot of stuff)

Real Simple (these gals know a lot of stuff, too)

Keep Your Eye On the Ball

The heights by great men reached and kept

Were not attained by sudden flight

But they, while their companions slept

Were toiling upward in the night

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Ladder of St. Augustine