Goodbye and Hello

The rush is through, the trimmings stowed away, the sweets and rich treats (oh so many!) consumed, the thank you notes begun, closets tidied, calendar pages filling, lists jotted, and a sparkling drink awaits the strike of midnight.

And we bid good day to the year 2010 and its triumphs and challenges and tiny moments and remember the night we first met, and welcome all the promises of 2011. Promises that will surely include  monumental trials of patience, stumbling blocks and mistakes but also promises of lightness and love and grace and laughter. We will celebrate memories made and memories yet to come with a little dancing with the little guys, fortune cookies, sparkly drinks, and a resolution or two. On the morrow we'll enjoy breakfast with lovely friends, and then some football. A pleasant end to the season and a sweet beginning to the new year.

four

four years of my fantastic boy

four hundred emotions you inspire daily

four thousand blessings you bring to my life

four million wishes for happiness from my heart to yours

you run, jump, tumble, sing, read (you really can!) and hug.  you rescue and exasperate and charm and defy and love and joke and test every boundary and every nerve. we play memory and knight & princess (I love that I get to be the princess) and slay dragons, you confess your crush on briar rose, we race cars, hike footballs and memorize articles of faith. you love frog and toad and jack and the beanstalk.  the ladies swoon over your handsomeness and manners, the guys think you are pretty rough and tough. daddy and I think you are just swell. nanuk thinks you are the coolest. we all love you to outer space and back.


happy birthday.

my boy

you started preschool today. and my chest was tight, and I deposited you in your class with a lump in my throat, but you were happy and ready. more big kid than little kid, it seems.

I love to tell you that you are a good boy, a wonderful kid, a kid I'm proud of. Almost four and full of life a hundred times over. Full of spirit and will, also. Which leads to far more naughtiness and defiance than I care to note, except that it can't be ignored. Because, let's face it, you will not be ignored.  And you won't back down. Ever. I teeter, out of balance, between teaching you obedience and crushing your effervescent spirit. Mostly the going for mommy is rocky, but I seek a ray of hope in how you express yourself according to how you think things ought to be instead of how they really are.  And that once you fix your mind on an idea, you simply will not let go until you have seen it through. Not for a pack of wild horses or fire-breathing dragons. Certainly not for me. And it's hard, and I cry, and do the walk of shame past stunned mommies and their [apparently perfect] gawking children. (Really, wasn't it bad enough without triggering the car alarm?) And sometimes other moms, who are surely experts, express unkind things in judgment of you or of me.  As if I didn't do all the right things like time outs and choices and all that until I turn purple with the futility. Oh their comments are thinly veiled as useful advice of course, still it hurts.

But I love you. I love you with all the fury of your five alarm meltdowns, I love you with all the bubbling of your laughter, I love you with all the tenderness of your heart, with all the crackling energy of your boy-ness.  It stings to think that so many only see your intensity and not your gifts. But I see them. And I hope one day it will matter to you, at least a little bit, that I see your shining light and love you and understand you. We don't need elaborate parties or fancy outings, we have each other. And lots of happy times just doing our thing. Because you are a spectacular child. And you are mine.

today I love

... pealing laughter from two little boys (for reasons known only to them)
...evergreens against a cloud-dappled blue blue sky
... fresh basil
...strawberries with brown sugar
...the feel of my baby's fluffy head against my cheek
...the sense of wonder in everything, to a child
...tan lines

.

today I

....was serenaded by a devilishly handsome little guy
...and later by three lovely little ladies
...became an official Idahoan (i know, I know)
...was hugged
...was surprised. four times.
...did not fix breakfast, lunch, or dinner
...felt cold, and then warm
...talked to extra special friends
...ate guacamole
...was wished well by wonderful peeps near and far
...am grateful and fortunate
...snuggled with my little ones
...felt loved

accomplished

We like goals around here, which I think is a good thing. Sure, one of us is a bit more into personal goals than the other, but as a whole we like a challenge, an object of focus and effort and discipline. Even Piglet is learning to achieve little personal milestones. And recently, Mr. J realized a big  life goal, one that he's been working toward since we met. A goal he shared with me on our first date. The fact that he had any goals in life at all, let alone ambitions and a plan of attack, set him leaps and bounds beyond other boys I dated. So I kept him.

In the 10 years since, we've traded places back and forth. For a while, his goals needed my support while my own took a back seat. Later, my goals were the focus. And later still, back to his. It's not been easy, but it's what you do when you are married. Sometimes we just have to pick up the slack for each other. I'm not very good at it, but I try. The past four years have required more patience than I normally can muster. More sacrifices than most girls like. More loneliness than some would choose. Very few breaks from the grind of reality. I knew (hoped?) all these little trials would be temporary, but sometimes it was really difficult to stay positive. Blindly moving forward in support of Mr. J and his goal without knowing when it would really come to fruition. Stumbling through repeated frustrations sustained only by hope and hard work. Putting all our little ducks in a row, putting other dreams on hold, Mr. J doing all he could, garnering the precursory honors, then realizing the remainder must be left to the powers that be.

And now the prize is his. Mr. J made the plan, he did the work. He did it well. He paid his dues over and over again. He never lost sight of the distant goal, never quit on his objective though often it seemed forever just barely out of reach. It's in his hands now. (No, it's not glamorous). And he is happy (sacrifices well worth it). And I am proud. And it feels so very grown up, yet slightly goofy, and even anticlimactic. But good.

Now maybe I'll train for that marathon.

Or half marathon.

Or how about a 5k?

I know I am a good mommy because...

Lots of hugs and kisses all day, every day. They are happy to see me when I've been away--even just during their naps.  They are clean. They are well fed with wholesome, colorful options every day. And sometimes sweets.  Piglet knows his abc's & their accompanying sounds, and his 123's. We read together every day. They see me reading by myself often. We sing together, all sorts of songs, any old time. Early bedtime with rare exception or resistance. Nanuk gets plenty of nap time every day. They are energetic and healthy. Piglet has good manners: please, thank you very much, you're welcome, no thank you, I'm so happy to see you, I'm so glad you came, Mommy may I please __________. Piglet and Nanuk show adoration for each other. Which tells me they see love in their home. They are often naughty and stubborn, which tells me I'm not raising door-mats, and generally very good about apologies, "Mommy, I'm very very sorry _________."  We laugh together every day. Piglet says his prayers. Their clothes are oft laundered, their home oft cleaned.  We play together: cars, puzzles, stories, animals, tumbling, football, hokey pokey, memory. candyland, and so forth. Buckled up in car seats at all times. We do art projects together. Even the messy kind. And I know that sometimes the best remedy for a bad day full of scolding is a root beer. Piglet knows how to clean up after himself: toys, clothes, bathroom, etc. I give them all the love I know how to give. And still I goof. And still I am entitled to believe that I am a good mom that doesn't have all the answers. It's not about being perfect, right?

Filling my own bucket, as it were. A little self-validation never hurt anyone.

empty buckets

I've been feeling rather snarky lately. Snarky.  Frustrated. Burnt-out. Hurt. Humiliated. Inferior. And just plain ticked off. Ugh. A week of adding insult to injury over and over finally got to me. A real case of the mean reds and I reacted poorly without grace or patience or class. Dreadful. I don't like this feeling at all, but it seems to be stuck and I just can't shake it. It certainly doesn't bring out the best in me and in fact often works up embarrassing behavior. I've said things I wish I hadn't. Raised my voice when I needn't. Thought things I oughtn't. Reacted harshly.  Oh! I am so very wretched. My little boys witnessed a sort of episode of frustration and I can't erase it. My Piglet learned a word that is hardly naughty but sounds a bit shameful coming from the cherubic mouth of a three-year-old. And it's probaly my fault. Ugh. That same Piglet, dramatic and loud (or louder) always, was telling me to calm down. Oh, I am rotten. And what makes it worse: my frustration has been unleashed in parcels. None of the recipients could know of any other catalysts, each building on the other. So, they likely think I'm just uptight. Permanently snarky. That I'm just that way all the time. Ugh. 

Will my children get over it and forget? Will strangers and friends alike just brush it aside? Have I done permanent damage? Can I beg and pray for sufficient forgiveness.  Can I find a way to fill my empty bucket and get my mojo back? Goodness knows it's up to me. My bucket. My job to fill it. And avoid letting it get empty again. I shudder to think.

First things first: a quasi date night on the sofa with John Wayne, Ben & Jerry, and Mr. J. Maybe that will help.  Or maybe I should try Holly Golightly's advice. 

vice

I love my little blog. I love how it has connected me with long lost friends, far away friends and friends I've yet to meet. I love how it serves to document and preserve, how with it I can put my thoughts down and be mindful of what kind of energy I'm sending out into the universe. I love how the land of blog is an endless source of inspiration, insight, humor, and tenderness. A place to rally the troops or be a shoulder for someone else's tears. I love that I can tune in our out as I choose, and participate in bloggishness when my real life permits.  The blog is free. And doesn't require hiring a babysitter.

Marta  formulated and presented a blogger's workshop of sorts recently with a few precious pearls of wisdom in regards to this thing we call the blog. It's true that many argue the internet is wasteful, that blogging is frivolous, that it's just a vice. Ooh. That stings a little. But I think it's only true if one wants it to be.  Via blogging I have found kindred spirits that have enriched my life. I have found a creative outlet. I found a cure for the loneliness I felt after I had my first baby and then moved to a small town in which I didn't know a single soul.  I have found a sounding board. I have found company in heartbreak, kinship clever words, and a place to show a little love imperfect as it might be. Sure beats watching reality TV.

A few clicks of the mouse give me something all to myself. A novelty in motherhood, where my home is not my own. My lunch is not my own. My sleep is not my own. My time is not my own. Even my shower is oft derailed by the needs of my family and ceases to be my own. But nobody ever messes with the blog.  It alone is my own. A vice it most definitely is not. An opportunity, a blessing, it most definitely is.

[photo credit]

one

...singular sensation, every little step he [almost] takes
...year ago my joy doubled
...baby nearly born in the car

...enormous smile, one hundred times a day

...infectious giggle

...pair of big blue eyes

...chubby bum

...more new tooth, bringing the total to 6

...endless appetite

...fascination with doors

...set of chunky yet very speedy legs

...fearless attitude

...obsession with daddy's nose

...devotion to his big brother

...boundless curiosity 

...growing vocabulary (uh-oh, bye-bye, mama, dada, ball...)

...bundle of overwhelming sweetness

...squeezable, hand-clapping, bye-bye waving happy birthday boy

Happy Birthday, Nanuk.
xoxoxoxoxo

of note: stands but doesn't quite walk unassisted, signs for eat, drink, diaper and more, especially fond of peaches, bananas, carrots, chicken yogurt, and wheat crackers, bops and wiggles to any kind of music, loves story time and bath time and nap time, loves"wrestling" with daddy and brother, generally happy all the live long day. we mourn the little bits of babyhood that evaporate, but seize the tiny adventures of impending toddler-hood. Oh how we love this second little pea in our pod.

22 pounds
30.5 inches

Christmas Eve

visions of sugarplums soon will be dancing in these little noggins

christmas greetings

I am cursing myself for mistakenly ordering too few cards this year. Unintentional. I clicked that silly "confirm order" button before double checking all the details.  Grrrr. So, if you don't receive a card from us this year, it's because you a) are not a relative,  and/or b) I see you more than once per month. But it doesn't mean I love you any less. I beg forgiveness and feel I have entered the depths of tackiness, but  still I share our greetings here:

Thanks to Mr. J's sister, Kelly, for generously and quickly snapping a few dozen shots between the turkey and the pie on Thanksgiving, for tolerating two wiggly little boys in the cold wind, and for her mad photoshop skills, which are mostly for me.

School Days: Quiz Time

via travelinoma's school days seminar: book shelf

Final Exam!

Are you a bookworm?

1. Do you own more than 100 books? yes
2. Do you read any book or magazine that is handy? yes
3. Have you ever read the cereal box? yes
4. Do you have a membership with the local library? yes
5. Do you go to the library more than once a week? no--my toddler has not yet mastered good library behavior. he prefers to remove the koi from their pond. 
6. Would you rather read a book than go out with friends? sometimes
7. Do you visit the bookstore more often than you do your mother? heck yes
8. Do you wear glasses? If so, was reading the reason you got them? no, no
9. When asked your favorite hobbies, do you reply with a single word "reading?" it's tops on the list
10. Have you ever stayed in bed all day reading? yes

School Days: Quiz Time

via travelinoma's school days: family matters

Final Exam!

What's your opinion on family matters? Answer these questions yes or no.

1. I usually celebrate my birthday with family. yes
2. I try to participate in my extended family functions and gatherings. yes
3. If my friend's birthday and my nephew's birthday fell on the same day, I would go to my nephew's birthday party. if we lived in the same town, yes
4. I would love to spend New Year's Eve with my family. yes
5. Most of my movie outings and picnics are with family. yes
6. I know all my cousins. no
7. In case of any great news, I inform my relatives (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) first. sometimes
8. If I have any problems, I share them and consult with my family. no
9. My family is a good support to me. sometimes
10. I support family members in their times of need. yes
11. I can name my children's best friends. yes
12. I can name my partner's best friends. yes, and their wives and children.
13. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing. yes
14. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. yes
15. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams. yes
16. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life. yes
17. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. yep
18. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. yes
19. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. yes
20. My partner really respects me. yes?
21. I respect my partner. yes
22. I notice what my partner does for me and express appreciation. yes. 
23. My partner generally likes my personality. yes
24. I like my partner's personality. yes
25. At the end of the day I am glad to see my partner. yes
26. I listen respectfully to my dad, even when we disagree. yes
27. I am beginning to understand my mom. yes
28. I check up on my married siblings often. yes
    
29. I have developed friendships with my brothers/sisters-in-law. yes
30. I occasionally call my aunts and uncles just to say hi. yes
31. I am trying to forgive family members who have treated me poorly in the past. yes
32. I know my grandmother's maiden names. yes
33. I know my great-grandparent's names. yes
34. My kids know what my dad did for a living. well, they are babies still. 
35. I am consciously trying to strengthen my family. yes

Think about the questions you answered "no." Do they matter to you?

School Days: Quiz Time

Via Travelin Oma's School Days Seminar: Write Away

It's Finals Week!

For today's exam, get out your notebook and answer each question honestly in a complete sentence. Use one of the choices given, or write your own.

1. The power in your house goes out, and you are stuck with candles and nothing to do but think. How long could you entertain yourself just sitting?
~Ten seconds. I'd get out my cell phone and call a friend.
~Ten minutes. Then I'd fall asleep.
~ Hours. I'd reconstruct my last conversation; think through a presentation I might give someday; imagine my life in ten years; remember my high school gym class. Also: Memorize my babies' faces, fingers, giggles, phrases.  Think up a divine dinner party and imagine every last detail. Dream up my Oscar (best supporting actress) or Grammy (song of the year)  or Tony (best ensemble in a musical) speech (ha ha ha!)

2. You're writing and the phone rings. You:
~Answer it.
~Finish your sentence, then answer it.
~ Let the answering machine get it.

3. The person calling is one of your dearest friends, who wants to get together for brunch and a good long chat about her ex. Unfortunately, this juicy brunch will take place during your scheduled writing time. You:
~ Decide to go. You haven't heard the latest dirt on her evil ex in ages.
~Say you can't go, but sit on the phone dishing for another hour.
~Reschedule for a non-writing day.

4. You're at the restaurant with your friend when you have a fantastic idea for a novel. You:
~Hope you'll remember it—you have nothing to write with and nothing to write on.
~ Will manage. You use the waiter's pen and the back of your receipt.
~ Carry a special notebook, an organizer, or even a laptop with you everywhere—you're completely prepared.

5. You imagine yourself as a successful writer. What is the image that is clearest in your mind?
~The rounds of publishers' parties,  autographings, and talk shows where you are lionized for your work of immortal literary genius?
~Your name on the spines of a shelf full of beautiful books?
~Your backside glued to the chair, your cramped fingers on the keyboard, and your blurred eyes on the monitor.

5. If money was no issue, what would you do with your spare time?
~Shop til you drop;
~Prepare for a marathon;
~Sit alone in a room full of books and type.

6. Do you have . . .
~An idea for the Great American Novel -- a certain best-seller,
~ A few ideas for different stories,
~Background and development for a number of related books, a time-line, and a whole bunch of files.

7. You figure the biggest benefit of becoming a writer is:
~Money and fame;
~Flexible hours and being your own boss;
~ The writing
8. You read:
~The occasional newspaper, magazines at the hair salon, and headlines in the grocery store check-out line.
~In your free time if you don't have something better to do.
~You invented the term multi-tasking because reading IS your "something better to do". You usually have a book in hand no matter what else you're doing at the time.

9. You have some strong opinions about a political issue. You
~ Yell at the car radio.
~Debate it with your book club.
~You write a letter to the editor/blog about it. 

10. You realize you have an experience that would benefit others. You
~Call around, and let people know you're anxious to talk with them;
~Ask if you could speak about your topic at a luncheon;
~ Write an article and submit it for publication.

Essay Question: Using the sentences you compiled as answers, think about your desire to be a writer. Do you have romanticized ideas of what being a writer is like?  A few, but realize it doesn't come without bloodshed and tears. Do you want to write for yourself, or to be read by others? Me. Is your goal to be a writer, or an author, and what's the difference? How will writing fit into the responsibilities of your life right now? I have to squeeze it in, I hope never to make my children suffer for it. What have you learned about yourself as a writer? ...and miles to go before I can label myself a "writer"

School Days: Quiz Time

Via Travelin Oma's School Days Seminar: Travel Studies

Final Exam!

1. What is your traveling style?

~ Going on a super luxury cruise, relaxing and eating well for a week.
~ Going with friends on a history bus tour with a guide.
~ Going on a wildlife safari or a mountaineering expedition.
I go for a combination of the three!

2. How many clothes do you usually take along on a holiday?
~ At least 2 new sets of clothes for every day of the vacation.
~ One set per day is usually enough.
~ I can easily manage in 3-4 sets, no matter how long the vacation.

3. How many pieces of luggage did you carry on the last vacation?
~ Including the sleeping bags and the tent?
~ Two suitcases, carry-on, shopping bag, purse, tote, diaper bag, laptop, pillow, coat.
~ A backpack, that's all.
2 suitcases, 1 bag, 1 purse (a family of 4!)

4. Given the following choices, where would you prefer traveling to?
~ Alaska or Tahiti
~ India Or China
~ Kenya Or Greenland
In order of preference: Kenya or Greenland, Alaksa or Tahiti, India or China

5. What is your preference regarding hotels, while on vacation?
~ A luxurious five star, with a room service 24 hours duty.
~ A medium priced hotel, with just the necessities.
~ A Tent rules.

6. What are your food preferences on a holiday?
~ A six course meal at the best restaurant in town.
~ A decent meal at a good place for $12.
~ Whatever you can carry in your cooler.

7. How do you travel while on a holiday?
~ A rented car.
~ Public transport.
~ By foot, wherever possible.

8. What's your dream vacation?
~ Biking down the California coast.
~ Eurailing around Europe for three months.
~ Two weeks at a beach resort.

9. You and your friends are hiking. You
~ Take the most difficult route; it's no fun otherwise.
~ Take the route everyone else takes.
~ You take the simplest route, after all reaching the destination is important.

10. While on a beach
~ You prefer to go surfing or scuba-diving.
~ You are content with swimming in water.
~ You would rather stay on the beach and build sand castles.

11. In an amusement park, you will be seen
~ On the new gigantic roller-coaster.
~ Taking the scenic train ride.
~ Watching the kids while reading a book.

12. Someone says they're taking you bungee jumping.
~ You are totally game for it. Wow!
~ You express your doubts, but are persuaded.
~ You throw up.

13. When you are on a camping trip
~ You cook and eat whatever you can catch.
~ You bring fried chicken for dinner, and muffins for breakfast.
~ You hire a dutch oven chef.

14. You're planning a long road trip with the kids. You
~ Buy a new car with a built in DVD player.
~ Take plenty of benedryl.
~ Buy several copies of Harry Potter, and read it out loud together.

15. You're in Washington DC for a long weekend. You can't wait to
~ Visit all the Smithsonian museums.
~ Take a city tour to see the Lincoln Memorial and other monuments.
~ Sleep in every morning, take in a movie, and see a live ballet that night.
Timed test: You have 15 minutes to plan a trip. Use Expedia, Travelocity, or any other resource to find a flight/driving route, plus a hotel/place to stay in a city of your choice. Is it do-able? Pack your bags!  Planning is easy.  Actually being able to go is a different story. 

all by myself

hey kiddo, can I help you get your sweatshirt off?

NO! I can do it ALL BY MYSELF!

and he did, eventually.  damage to the clothing notwithstanding. his independence and will power are seemingly limitless.

Welcome to November

I feel I can now openly discuss holiday plans without too much scorn from the non-list-making, non-plan-ahead crows. November is here, the lists are made, the photos are in the works, travel plans are the topic of discussion, festivities are scheduled, and even some of the shopping is D O N E done. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, too. Piglet is riding his bike and greeting the neighbors with daddy standing by. Nanuk is in his crib but undecided on his nap, and mommy is readying a whole pile of sweet delectables for a ladies-only soiree on Wednesday. I feel like a little squirrel, hustling and hopping about preparing for the months to come.

Before November arrived, however, we bade farewell to October with all the glee of a toddler in a dragon costume with a musical bag filled with candy.

happy halloween

the dragon and the bat

A trick and a treat all dressed up in fluffy costume cuteness. In truth, though, that little trick is a great big treat, and that little treat is sure to be plenty tricky before long. I'm crazy for these two little tricky treats.

The rest of the week is bursting with all hallows festivities: a costume parade "at school with the big kids," Boo at the Zoo, and come Saturday evening, some good old fashioned trick-or-treating. Let's hear it for getting some mileage out of the costumes.

why are all of my photos appearing blurry on blogger when they look normal anywhere else?

autumn fades

What a fickle season is the fading autumn in these parts: crisp and dappled blue and golden one day. Grey and dull and drowsy the next. Yesterday we even donned scarves and gloves for our evening walk, delivering popcorn treats of thanks to nearby friends. Piglet instinctively discovered the joy of jumping into piles of crunchy raked leaves. The rosy rosies of his cheeks remained extra pink and flushed through bath time and right up to bedtime.

To say the weather is brisk would be accurate; hinting of extra layers and snuggly evenings on the big couch with my three guys and a movie. Beckoning me to curl up with a new book way past bedtime. Whispering of afternoon hot cocoas with Piglet while Nanuk takes his long nap. All kinds of goodness on the horizon. I'd gladly welcome slightly warmer weather for another week or two or three, but perhaps it's not to be.

Tonight we embrace what is to come with our favorite cold-weather meal, and it's carve-the-pumpkins night. Can't wait to see the candlelight give life to my jack-o-lantern.