This one I fear will haunt me the rest of my days. Will bring a lump to my throat each time I wander through a department store or browse a catalog or attend a party. Will place a wedge of heartbreak between me and everyone else. Will plant seeds of bitterness within me. Will find me weeping quietly and alone and embarrassed, when I wish I could just be heard, when I wish I could just stop thinking. When I wish I could get time handed back to me on a silver platter with a kind note saying "here, it's not your fault, you can have it all back and start all over." When I wonder where the love is hiding because this surely can't be it. When I belittle myself for not trying harder to make it happen. Then again, what else could I have done? Nothing. All that remains is for the universe to care. Which it doesn't. Time to take one for the team. Again.
Who knew it would be so hard to let go of something I never had? Except that I did have it in my heart, my dreams, my great plan for my life, in my thoughts nearly every day for so many years. And now it's left, an unfinished puzzle cast aside and tumbling among faith and despair. And conceding is filling me with hate and grief. And it's lonely, all this wandering about looking for impossible right answers while the only answer is the wrong answer: give up. I can't, but I must.
7 comments:
wow. what a powerful post. i truly am amazed at your insights... i've been doing some deep thinking around here too. you are a good example to let things play their course, whatever that may be. perhaps the answer will come, in its own due time. am thinking of you. i hope 'giving up' brings you a comfort of knowing you did your best. xo.
This is beautifully written. I've struggled with similar feeling this year. It's been a year of letting go of dreams. You've worded it so powerfully. Thank you for your insight.
Giving up doesn't sound like a happy start to a new year. If I can help ... Even if it's just a listening ear let me know. I'm ready for a night out with just a few gals if you are.
Kim, let me know if you need to talk. I don't know what you're experiencing, but the feelings sound familiar.
is it fruitless to even ask ... what are you giving up? I hope you find the strength you are looking for. :)
I hope "giving up" brings you you find peace. I've dealt with this personally on different levels-my experience may be different, but I look back and realize what a drain it was taking on me and my family and I am now happier b/c of it.
I feel like I have had to give up so many of my dreams too. But somehow, I always manage to find new dreams. Maybe not as good as the dreams I used to have, and yes it stings. Sometimes it even aches, but there are good things to come. I'm sorry you had to give up your dream.
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