I vowed before I ever became a parent that I wouldn't make my children walk on eggshells to avoid my wrath, or make unrealistic demands on my family to make my own life easier. I promised to be the always happy mommy that doesn't sweat the small stuff. I realized this week I'm a miserable failure.
Since visiting Cache Valley just before Christmas, little M has been "full of the orneries." My once perfect, agreeable, sweet, nap-loving angel of a 15 month old baby has become a demon. Sorta. He's still beautiful and giggly, but refusing to nap, easily aggravated, increasingly defiant, demanding, yelling and just altogether anxious. When once we didn't hesitate to take him out, he's now that kid: the one that is bellowing at the top of his lungs because mommy won't let him play with the table knife or put 8 fruit snacks in his mouth at once. It has really thrown us for a loop, and I've been pointing my it's-not-my-fault finger at our jaunt to Cache Valley which completely threw M's ideal routine into turmoil. That maybe was just the beginning of a problem I've actually fueled.
On our return from Cache Valley, we were in a frightening car accident. Since then we've been without my beloved SUV. This has been frustrating. B takes our other little car to work, and I'm homebound day in and day out, save for a few brief family outings to the supermarket or to eat out. This has been frustrating
Snow fell for 3 days straight here over the holidays, and it hasn't left. 12 inches of snow, icy roads, gloomy skies and frigid frigid temperatures. Another reason I've been home-bound. This has been frustrating.
We are finishing our basement. We moved in mid-July to this new home; I was promised a basement (which is a critical project for us) by Halloween, then re-promised it by Christmas. It's still just 2x4s and cement and insulation. This has been frustrating. Food poisoning, a broken washer, exhaustion. All frustrating.
I have a point. Here's my light-bulb moment: the anxiety M is exhibiting is about me. I'm the reason he's on edge, irritable day in and day out since the crash. My anxiety over all these frustrations is at the root of the matter. He can sense the tension like an animal can smell fear. Way to kick my New Year's Resolution into gear. I need to just get over all this dumb stuff beyond my control already. Then start getting over all the mommy guilt. Ugly ugly mommy guilt.
It might make me feel better to give away that beautiful headband. Get your comments posted, all you lurkers.
9 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Are you friends with Rebecca? I saw your post about her shoes.
I am so feeling your pain. I am without my car due to an accident as well. Though, I have a rental, I hate it. It has been almost a month now!!! Good luck with everything. I am glad you figured out the source of your cute baby's angst, though. Sometimes it's hard to have those epiphanies, but so helpful.
Are you from Cache Valley? That's where my dh is from.
Thanks for your posts.
After your last few weeks, you need a good movie. I don't know if you have a dvd player hooked up inspite of no cable, but Jane Eyre is on DVD. I watched it again last night. "rochelleht" read the book, and didn't love it but agrees with me that the movie is really good.
I hope you get your SUV back soon, basement finished and that "M" gets to a happy place. I am SO WITH YOU in having a kiddo in the cute/frusterating part of childhood. My baby was given the nickname, "the goodly cherub" on our Pride and Prejudice trip ... since then he has turned to the dark side. (ha ha, kinda kiddin', kinda not.:)
Hang in there girl! We all go through it, unfortunately more than once. Truth be told, Baby M is likely coming into a stage that can be a bit more demanding too. My babies were challenging from about 15 months until they could speak well enough to communicate their needs. I don't day that to make you feel more anxiety, but to let you know that it's not likely all you. I'm sure you are a wonderful mommy and not giving yourself enough credit right now.
Rochelle: I've known Rebecca & her hubs since way way way back. Ask her about her super short haircut. I'm not from UT, but my hubs is from Cache Valley. Send me an email and we can compare who knows who!
thanks for the encouragement ladies!
Terrible Two's is a misnomer--it should be terrible 18 months to about 3yrs. So, this could just be a new stage that little M is going through that was really kick-started by your trip to Cache Valley and heightened by your very frustrating few months. I'm sorry. Just remember, this is M moving towards independence. I've noticed that this happens around 7yrs old also and I think this will happen when they are teens. At least now you can strap them in their car seat (even if they do the straight body scream). You're still bigger and stronger now.
You need a little pampering. Go on to endless.com and order a great pair of shoes that will come next day for -$5 shipping!
I recall that any trip we took with any infant/toddler threw them for a loop. It always threw off their sleeping/napping routine, they were always grouchy and we always questioned why we took the trip. Don't give up. Sounds like your introspection is right on, or at least nearly so. Don't get caught up in the guilt trap. It's not always about one's self and sometimes you just have to admit there are somethings you just can't control, no matter how much you want to.
I'm starting to feel better about it all, just dreading our upcoming flight to Seattle with my new and not-so-improved little guy! Thanks for all the supportive comments
Ouch! How well I know that feeling!
My sweet angelic child turned a bit wonky around the same time, and it's mostly cleared up now. There's hope! =)
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